Hi, I’m the undecided voter. By the time you read this I will have tipped the election in the USA one way or the other. My inability to decide will decide the fate of the free world.
Why am I having so much trouble? Well, this is a puzzler. I mean, the candidates have stated their viewpoints and positions and outlined what they would do were they to be elected. And the pundits have weighed in, along with the analysts. All the information’s been laid out pretty plain.
And yet, I remain undecided. After all, I have questions. For instance, what was with Obama in that first debate? Is he the same person that was elected or is he like that double that replaced Paul McCartney? And what about Romney? Is he perhaps a hologram from a distant era? Or an alien? And if so, one that’s ET-friendly?
But these aren’t my only questions. I wonder if this election is even relevant seeing as both candidates are beholden to corporate interests. Should I be picking the candidate I think is best or should I just accept that this is a capitalist dictatorship and choose the more obviously corrupt seeing as he’s the more honest?
And what about that Y2K thing? Did they ever resolve it? And KY-J? No one talks about that. Are we heading for apocalypse or being bent over and given the business? Is this perhaps why I fear the end even as I feel like I’m being fucked?
Then there’s the question of women. Should they be given the right to choose? Or should we let men decide that one? After all, they know what rape is seeing as they’re the ones doing it.
Other older questions also come back to haunt me: black or white; boxers or briefs; fascism or crypto-fascism?
In some ways, it’s almost like one of those word problems from math: If two justices retire and two are replaced by Mitt, will the past arrive in the future in half the time it takes to pack the courts or will liberals arrive at Delirium sooner than expected?
Then there are those perennial questions: which candidate is most god-fearing; better looking; more fun to have a beer with?
And which cares more about the poor and destitute? They both speak so much about this. (Ha ha, I made a joke!)
Seriously, which direction do I want the country to go in? And which foot do I want to begin walking with? Is it better to exhale or inhale? And if the latter, what should I do after that?
And of course there is that ultimate question – who is it that’s running again? And what election are we having? Does Santa Claus really not exist? Can Santa maybe run for president?
You see, this is serious stuff and exhausting and it makes my little head hurt. So perhaps it’s time I make up my mind just to be done with it. No time to waste, after all, the election’s rapidly approaching. I’ll just step behind this curtain here and think it through. No peeking, okay?
Romney or Obama? Obama or Romney?
Eeenie, meenie, minie…
Die übersetzte deutsche Fassung finden sie hier
